“My Daddy’s Not Afraid To Go Back To Prison!” And Other Ways We Avoid Psychological Trauma
We develop a toolbox of defense mechanisms as we grow in this world, but do they come at the cost of truly becoming our strongest selves?
“My dad’s not afraid to go back to prison!” These were my daughter’s exact words to a boy as she and her friends were squabbling with some boys while swimming at our neighborhood lake. Her voice was stern and unwavering. If she had fur on her back, it would have been standing up. It was a common scene. Somebody started it. Someone else continued it. Before you know it, a daily swim turns into a seaweed fight between a group of boys and a group of girls.
I had to laugh a little on the inside as I watched his reaction: “Wait, that means he…” and just like that, the situation was diffused and whatever the issue was was dropped. My daughter waded through the water with a victorious, self-fulfilled smile. It was her little trump card and she had used it well.
She’s only 9 years old and she already knows you have to put up a front sometimes. It didn’t matter to her if that boy thought my husband had spent time in prison. He will never know that was simply a joke he told our 2 daughters for if any boys ever mess with them: “Tell them your daddy’s not afraid to go back to prison!” (I think it’s because he’s already dreading them getting to dating age!) I don’t think he ever thought she would actually use the phrase.
The world’s not a very psychologically safe place, is it? From a young age, we all have to try to keep from being made fun of, bothered, bullied, and looked down on.
Raising kids, it’s easy to see this all play out. When one of my sons was about 5 or 6, we were dining at a famous chicken fast food chain, the one with indoor playgrounds. After a few minutes of playing, he ran back in tears, “That boy said my dad is mean!” I had to chuckle on the inside as I comforted him and asked what had happened.
As life goes on, the insults are more threatening, schoolmates are more skilled at delivering the burns, and we often learn that people are just jerks. I’ve been a jerk. You’ve been a jerk. Everyone’s a jerk sometimes. But sadly, this also inhibits our ability to truly come into our own. We can become so scared of sticking out and being the target of the next burn that we withdraw and pipe down.
Even if it doesn’t seem like a mean comment to an adult, often kids don’t want to be noticed at all. No attention is the best attention. How many of you know teenagers/young adults who will go to great lengths to keep their heads down for fear of being out of line socially?
Personally, my blood boils when people are bullied. It reminds me of the meanest animal documentary I ever saw. I don’t even remember the network it was on because it’s been so long, but it was about monkey societies. Some were snow monkeys, macaques that live in a snowy mountainous region in Japan. To their great enjoyment, there are lovely warm pools that are formed by the hot springs all around the region. However, because of the macaques’ highly hierarchical, class-based society, if a macaque from the “have not” families tries to get into the warm pool or their offspring try to interact with the families higher in the hierarchy, they get attacked and put back in their place very quickly. Other monkey species have these tendencies too. The lower hierarchy moms of another species of monkeys deal with similar bullying, and of note, must put up with really terrible behavior from the offspring of the upper-class monkeys. If they retaliate and don’t tolerate the annoying behavior and abuse, the upper-class adults put her in her place once more. It was shocking to watch.
It’s not that far off from what often happens in human societies, unfortunately.
This brings me to a tiny point I want to bring home from these stories of bullying, social hierarchy, and the socialization to not stick out or stand up for ourselves: how we dress is very much part of this. We often dress to not stick out! We don’t want to draw a lot of attention to ourselves for fear of mean words, mean actions, mean thoughts. Social media has highlighted these trends quite well.
Times have been changing, though. Some things, for the good. Some, for the awful. I think it’s a great opportunity to examine why we wear what we wear, why we shy away from bold styles, and why we’re cultish about brands and trends.
The opportunity now exists to apply the old “The best defense is a great offense!” adage. It’s been used by so many coaches that it’s downright cliché. However, when we get sick of being victims, we get sick of being bullied, and we get sick of hierarchy, we can rise above the game being played in fashion and personal style.
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The game of not being too “something” means you need to keep up with the trends. If you don’t do it, you will be like the stupid people in “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” If you’re not familiar with the fable, it features a vain Emperor who loved clothing and fashion so much that when two swindlers came to town promising to make him the most magnificent clothes that could be imagined, he hit the proverbial “buy now” button immediately. These clothes would be made of the finest woven cloth, but anybody who was unworthy or simply stupid could not see them at all. What a great foundation this would be for marketing their “new styles”! This fed into his vanity and insecurity perfectly. Soon the new lines of clothing were commissioned and the town was buzzing with anticipation, especially excited to see which of their neighbors were the stupid ones. The only problem was that the swindlers weren’t making actual clothing, just brainwashing the Emperor.
It’s a silly fable and nothing like this could ever happen in real life, right? Funny though, we humans have some mental fallacies that, if left unaddressed, can easily make us just like this Emperor. We are often victims of confirmation bias, also known as the boomerang effect. The Emperor and townspeople were convinced that the clothing and fabric were beautiful, and whoever didn’t see it that way was unworthy and foolish—until a child in the crowds dared to note that the Emperor was actually wearing nothing at all.
I love this fable because we have to be cautious of our brains sometimes. I love to listen to/read author/neurologist Dr. Daniel Amen. He’s written dozens of books on mental health and brain science. I particularly enjoy his advice to name your brain in order to distance yourself from it sometimes. Mine is called “Squirrelly,” by the way.
The truth is, our brain wiring makes us susceptible to many fallacies. This confirmation bias is one that strongly plays in the fashion realm, as it did in “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” Don’t you see the beauty in those clothes? They’re the most magnificent clothes that could ever be made! If you’re not in awe, you must be stupid! Isn’t that what clothing marketing campaigns say, more or less?
For more fun brain fallacies, by the way, check out the book “You Are Not So Smart” by David McRaney. It entertainingly outlines many of our fallacies. I listened to it on Audible a few years ago and then had to get a hard copy since I loved it so much.
Good Style Is A Great Equalizer
Not too old, not too young, not too poor, not too this, not too that. The name of the game is not looking too “something”.
Did you know that the “trendy” (magnificent) outfits being sold full-price at stores right now are already out of actual trend by at least 6 months? Similar items might have walked the runway last year, but with the time it takes to mass-produce lines of clothing, the trends are already on their way out the door before they ever reach store racks.
This is a sad reality for the conformist and unexamined mass fashion industry. Doesn’t it make sense to examine why we do what we do and why we wear what we wear? I would be willing to wear whatever makes the most technical sense. Emotionally trying to feel out my place in the highly structured class system of current fashion seems tedious and downright impossible.
If we can learn some basic rules of style, we can be rid of fashion whims entirely. We can let the trends come and go and when we spot things that would serve us, we might grab them and keep them for years and years. This is the beginning of empowerment toward a timeless style.
Unfortunately, asking a fashion house, department store, or influencer what to wear is going to yield pretty biased results. First, they are not trained to look technically at clothing as a way to enhance our faces and figures (i.e. undertone and silhouette). They usually spend a lot of energy trying to give people a cool vibe or personal style that connects on an emotional and vanity level. They’re also all about selling their clothes. It would be like asking a fast-food restaurant what diet you should adhere to.
For now, I will leave you with a few thoughts to ponder before the Tuesday issue…
How in the world can the planet sustain this level of frivolity and fickleness?
What clothing in your wardrobe do you actually love and wear over and over?
Do you consider longevity and garment care instructions before buying a garment? (Practicality)
What other factors do you consider before you add an item to your wardrobe?
My mentor, Sandy, The Image Architect, worked with powerful media, business, and political personalities. There is a reason that these personalities sought her out. She knew how to put together a personal style. She helped clients understand that first impressions matter and taught them to treat their style “as a walking billboard.” Our clothes do send out a message. They send out the message about your place in society, your personality, your confidence, your mission, your passions, your priorities, your education level, and the list goes on.
We cannot ignore that our clothing can easily put us into a category we don’t want to be. Do I want to be seen as someone who can be pushed around? Do I want to be seen as wimpy? Do I want to be seen as trying too hard? Do I want to be seen as an object? Or do I want to be seen as an independent, intelligent, self-respecting, and savvy woman who can think for herself?
I love respect and dignity. Humans are capable of so much better style than what we’ve been born into. Using flattering colors and proper silhouettes to create a timeless wardrobe will free you from being preyed upon by the fashion industry. It will end the self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and confusion the fashion industry preys on.
We have to face the bullies and just tell them, “My daddy’s not afraid to go back to prison!” and just keep having fun. Otherwise, we will be scared little gray mice who will never come into our own. Not everyone will like us. We won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.
We don’t need everyone’s approval, but we can dress with confidence and self-respect!
Tuesday’s newsletter will review some of the styles that are trending right now and check them against science. In our wiring, humans mostly perceive men to look best with inverted triangle silhouettes and the universally attractive shapes for women center around an hourglass silhouette. Why is it that fashion companies, knowing these principles, seldom create items to help people recreate flattering proportions with their styles? This baffles me.
Join me on Tuesday as we discuss this and more.
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Until then,
Tatyana